A melancholic Monday

It’s Monday folks. I woke up this morning and was like, "where did the weekend go? Do I have to get out of bed?” I don’t know why I felt so tired, but I knew I didn’t have a choice. I had to start the day, so I ate breakfast, showered, got dressed, and made my way to the hospital. 

The day didn’t get any better. Like every other morning in Hepatology, I sat down to review the patient files, only to find out one of our patients passed over the weekend. May they rest in peace. An already lousy morning became a sad day...

This is one part of the job I don’t think I’ll ever get used to. Death…

I know it’s a part of life, but it is one part that, even after losing loved ones, I still struggle with. It is inevitable. Sometimes we can foresee it and prevent it, but sometimes it is sudden, and that’s when it hurts the most. 

I experienced my first death of a patient between my 3rd and 4th year of medical school while completing my Summer Practice in Internal Medicine. The patient had already been on the ward for a week when I started and had been informed they had a terminal illness. I followed the doctor treating them and assisted in the patient’s care until they passed. At the beginning of my practice, the patient could talk, feed themself and sit up on their own. But as the days passed, these simple tasks became more and more difficult to the point they were impossible. Seeing patients slowly deteriorate before your eyes, despite your best efforts, is by far one of the saddest things.

It wasn’t easy then, and it sure isn’t any easier now. It is not something that I believe, even with time and experience, you can grow accustomed to.

As medical students, we often find ourselves saying the reason we would like to be a medical doctor is to help people. As a doctor, every day, the goal is to help patients get better. However, on days like today, we realise that sometimes even our best efforts aren’t enough. The body no longer fights to stay alive, and the patient ultimately gives up. 

There will be times when we have to stop and ask ourselves, are we truly helping our patients, or are we just prolonging their suffering? No doctor or medical student wants to lose a patient, especially when you’ve been treating them for a long time and have taken the time to get to know them. Letting go is hard, but after exhausting all options, we have to accept when there’s nothing more we can do to help.